I figured out why I am how I am. Ever since Late freshman year, I haven't been satisfied with my life. Not once. I constantly seek out people who can introduce me to new things. At first it was things like girls who actually wanted to kiss me (a rarity). then it was sneaking out at night to go drink. I got over that after a few weeks, then it was more girls. This time they didn't want kisses, they wanted sex. Even that got old. I'm not saying that I've had sex a ton. Three people total, but the idea of a girl who just wants to jump my bones got tiring. 

Now something you must know about me is how restless I get. People are always saying how nobody is the same person as they were the day before. For me, one day I'm a quiet shut in who likes to play video games and the next I'm a sweaty tank-top wearing freerunner flirting with women on a fucking cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. I feel like I need to change my life every few days. I get bored. 

This, I think, is why I suck at being a student. I can't stand to do the same shit everyday. Wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, skip breakfast, take notes, answer questions, go home, eat, answer more questions. I hate it. This however is not my main point.

Haley is a huge part of my dilemma. Haley loves me, that I do not doubt. I love her, I do not doubt that either. She loves me though, for me as she knew me when we first met. When I met haley I was naive. I thought I could cruise through life as a happy go lucky hippie who doesn't care to argue with anyone. I was happy just being mediocre. 

FUCK THAT

You know why? because I'm not a happy go lucky hippie. I'm angry, so fucking angry at all this SHIT. Ever since my parents got divorced I've been dragged into this riptide, I downward spiral of bullshit that I call living. I've lost myself to my own bullshit and lies. I always thought I was "free from the confines of a sheltering, conservative society." But in fact I was just frightened to accept the truth, I didn't know jack shit about living. I recently learned how to live. Guess how I did that.

I Died.

Not literally of course, ghosts can't use xanga can they? Figuratively I died. I lost myself for fear of instability. I have been looking back on my life and realized that once my parents separated, I lost the one shred of structure in my life. I was scared, so I let Haley run my life for me. She told me what to do, what to say, who to hang out with, what I liked, what I didn't like, who my friends were, who I loved. She has corrupted my very existence. I do not blame her for it however, it gave me stability as well as giving her stability. My whole life is one big lamefest. I don't regret it, I would have never come to this realization if I did.

I realized that my life (ironically) has been nothing but a series of grand epiphanies. Such as (but not limited to):

1. You can't give two shits about what others think of you. 

2. You cannot regret every mistake.

3. Wisdom does not come with age, but experience.

4. You should probably give one half to one shit about what some people think of you, otherwise you probably live in a messy shithole and smell like the sweaty area between John Goodmans butt cheeks. 

5. Everything is music. 

and finally todays epiphany/epiphanies

In the end, nobody gives a shit how successful you were in business, how many facebook friends you had, or whether or not you ate healthy. People don't care about you're accomplishments unless they left a mark. Not everyone will experience this mark, and even fewer will truly appreciate it. It is your impact upon the world. It may be a song, a novel, a painting, or an important medicinal discovery. I may however be your impact upon a person. To leave a burn on ones soul so deep and so severe that they cannot heal from it. This is not to say that they are hurt by it, but merely effected beyond all comprehensible rehabilitation. You cannot be this person or find this person by sitting around being content. You cannot settle for second place. You have to remember that in the proper mindset, with the right determination you are fucking invincible. Why? because you are no longer a person, you're an idea. You become a standard from which people draw inspiration and nobody can touch you.

What prompted this thought, you may ask. A novel. Looking for Alaska by John Green. (and no, in the end nobody is going to give a shit whether or not I underlined that.) I'm not going to sit here and summarize the whole book, because that would defeat the purpose of the book. If you find yourself in search of an epiphany like myself, go read it. I am however much like the main character. I am a seeker of the great perhaps. The great perhaps being the mysterious end result, the climax, or the goal in ones life. The great perhaps will always be a mystery and I don't know what it will be. I do know however that I will never find it on the path I have chosen. I don't want to sit here waiting for a miracle to come save me from my fate. I am going to go out and find my miracle. Adventure is the key to enlightenment. You cannot find wisdom in your living room couch. I cannot simply sever all ties to this life and run away though, that would be folly. I plan to wait patiently until the opportunity to escape my prison presents itself. I have a feeling it shall rear its glorious head soon and I can begin to live. 

I shall venture forth into my great perhaps and find my calling, my one true love, and the meaning of life, and nothing will stop me.

Seize the Day

(and never let it go)

So this is gonna be another long one, bear with me. Here's the deal, I have had no idea of what I REALLY wanted to do with my life for awhile. I decided on Game Design, but then I realized that I need to look for the one thing that when I was on my deathbed I could say "That was awesome." and pursue it. While Game Design would give me an artistic outlet, it still doesn't feel like it should be my ultimate goal. While I would definitely need to work at it, I wouldn't be surprised if I made a good game designer. I wanted to find something that when I said "I want to be a ___.", people would look at me funny and say you can't do that. I want to prove them wrong. I believe that to truly live you must find the boundaries that society has set for you and obliterate them, then go a bit farther. Never stop pursuing an ultimate goal.

I had searched and searched for this one thing that would be my ultimate goal, then I had a realization when I went to the circus. I bought a set of juggling balls, because I've been trying to learn to juggle. I was so excited to learn, and I've also been working on card tricks, coin rolls, and body control tricks. I had never showed or felt interest in these things until I noticed how people reacted when I talked about them. People would see me doing pull ups and be surprised that I worked out at all. They see my thin body and assume I'm weak. I love to prove people wrong and to surprise them with things most people can't do or are afraid to try.

Basically what I'm saying is that after college, I think I want to join the circus if they'll have me. By then I'll hopefully have had enough practice time and have built up enough strength, balance, and stamina to put on a show. I know it takes lots of hard work and dedication, but I'm willing to commit. If I can find a place to train and people to teach me, I'm perfectly willing to work my ass off to learn. I know I'll be exhausted for a long time, and I know I might get injured a lot, but I think it's worth it to be able to travel the world, doing what I love. To be able to look back at my life when I'm retired and say "What a ride." I can use my college degree anytime I want. I can wait until I'm a bit older and unable to perform anymore. Not that it's even certain that I would reach that point. I saw a performer who was 70. Call me crazy if you want but I want to join the circus.

Lemme start this by saying that I post everything on xanga in hopes that the things I say will only be read by people who either dont know me or won't tell ANYONE. thats you Amy. 

Anyway, have you ever been around someone who you always though you could be with forever? Like right off the bat you thought wow, this is the most fascinating person I have ever met. And then they continue to amaze you, even the little things they do, like everyday you find something that you find incredible.

Yeah, you know, THAT person.

Well, how about this, have you ever heard that person tell you who they plan on spending the rest of their life with, and it's not you? I'm trying to be happy for her. I really want to be happy for her. I just can't quite get over it. I don't know how I'm gonna keep a smile when she's telling me all about it.